week 36 notes (2026)
Here are some things I did between 2026-08-31 to 2026-09-06 and some words about them.
I am filling my life with as many things that will move me emotionally and physically as possible. I am choosing not to isolate as that is my natural instinct. I am defying it and asking anyone who wants to go and do stuff with me (or join them on their quests!). I am thankful for my friends.
tony
I saw Tony with W on a Monday night. Staying at home has made be feel so sad, so I have most of my week filled out nowadays. I have a night or two at home where I catch up on chores but am lucky that I can do a lot of these chores whilst working from home. Here is what I wrote on my letterboxd review:
For me, this was a reminder that we can do things, be messy (perhaps not 19yo unregulated messy), make the wrong decisions but learn, do things for love, let life take you places but also be open to them, not lose your moral compass, and find your true self along the way - the journey you were meant to go on, thinking only of the future.
Standout performances for me was the mother (DomiΕczyk) and the head chef (Banderas).
I remember crying towards the end as I saw the Tony character find his purpose which is something that I am deeply seeking at this current point in my life (and it's feeling impossible). The undertones of Bourdain's underlying sadness that led to the end of his life was also what made this emotional towards the end.
This ended with a much needed mutual appreciation of Bourdain, chats about travel, and a dinner that I was treated to where I told W about my heartbreak for the 15th time and him listening and giving me actionable but compassionate advice on how to move on.
πΆ The Calvary Cross - Richard and Linda Thompson (β₯)
the return
On Wednesday, I went out to a local theatre to see The Return. This is part of the Sydney Fringe Festival and I usually am eagerly trying to find interesting and wacky things to take part in. This year, I don't think I can do that. I stuck to things close to me or things that would help me process some emotions.
This play was an emotional and deeply personal representation of grief, perspective, and almost and enquiry into why things are the way they are in the ongoing Palestinian genocide heartlessly instigated by Zionists and the Israeli fascist regime. I was served some Sahlab before the play. Then when it was shown that the the subject of this play, two daughters living in Palestine lost their lives to a shelling whilst serving Sahlab, I felt so broken and devastated. Imagine going about our lives, a simple ritual, maybe walking out to your local cafe to get a coffee, or doing something nice for your family, and looking up and seeing a missle land next to you - everything turning black.
I felt so cared for in this space. There was so much heart even while there was so much carried grief and trauma. The actors did a Q&A afterwards and I could tell they were still recovering from the performance, especially having to take on the character of an IDF soldier whilst just minutes ago talking about losing their father to a IDF strike.
Sending a photo of the set and the seat position to A is the first I do when I see plays now. It's so wholesome.
forget me, please
On Thursday, I went and saw Forget Me, Please. Also a part of the Sydney Fringe Festival. This absolutely ruined me. It was about losing a partner and exploring how trauma impacts relationships. Too close to home. Too close to home. I was hoping this would provide catharsis. Instead, it provided painful insight. I did not know what to do with this empathised pain for the person I lost. I suffered and cried quietly and felt quite lonely.
I did say hi to the person next to me and I was thankful to have a short post-show debrief with them. I wish I could have asked them whether things would be ok.
πΆ Julia Jacklin - Don't Know How To Keep Loving You (β₯)
shock corridor
Friday was my day off from work due to my mental state. I had decided to do a nice hike. Unfortunately, the play above had wrecked me too much and my body was screaming in tiredness. I had to make the call to sleep in and try to hike another time and use today to slow down a bit. I am glad I made that decision.
I caught up on some reading and writing I had been putting off. I did my taxes. I saw Mum and Dad for dinner. Then, I was going to see Shock Corridor. I tried to bring a few more people along but the event sold out. Thankfully a gig friend, C could make it and kindly offered a lift as well. I dashed back from my parent's place, got home, quickly changed, and stepped out. On the way there I heard about C's struggles and I was moved at how much they were going through. Even with that, some wholesome laughs were had in the car ride to the venue. Alas, we would process both of our things as we saw the opener NPCEDE, a mutual beloved musical project. C had to leave after their set.
I wanted to try and capture something different to document this gig. I took a few dozen photos in very quick succession using my phone camera. Then I made an audio recording and then used ffmpeg to blend these photos + audio together in a one minute video that I shared to the band!
dead poet's society & swapmeet
I felt really, really soft and vulnerable on this spring filled Saturday. The smallest sights brought me to tears. I was set to see Dead Poet's Society at the Opera House in the afternoon. I winced at how this might make me feel. I really wanted to feel it all though.
It had been a few years since I had seen this film. But this was seminal for me as a 17/18 year old self. It taught me to live again. And poetically, or maybe fatefully, this comes back into my life when I need the the most again. By the last third of the film, I was close to sobbing, I was having to hold back my tears. This is the hardest I have cried in a long time. Seeing Neil's sad eyes, so much shine stolen from these boys. The pursuit of sucking the marrow out of life interrupted by those who are too scared to face the fullness of it. A reminder for me to be courageous and feel again. I am tearing up as I write this.
If you're interested in crying with me, I wrote about my experience here.
I stumbled back home, half alive, under the rain. I vegetated until it was time to go and see Swapmeet. A few songs hit too close on my bus ride to the venue, especially Ceiling Fan. Tears are out again. I am looking forward to moving through this grief. Loudly singing to the songs I know if required. I did loudly sing at the last song (as many around me were).
Here are some lyrics:
I wish I could hold you now
Those silent whispers tear me, tear me down
'Cause I hear what you say when I'm not around
Those silent whispers tear me to the ground
I saw some gig friends there. I was way too socially anxious to meet any new people but I think I masked pretty well with folks I knew.
πΆ Swapmeet - Ceiling Fan (β₯)
father's day
I was really happy I prioritised spending time with dad on Sunday. I can see he is in emotional pain. I tried to listen to him more today. Trying to understand more about what he is feeling about the direction of his children's lives and how stressed he is that we are ruining our lives. He had high expectations from us re: family, culture, grandchildren, traditional life goals. I am sad I cannot offer most of that to him. And then what is left is this chasm. Where all we end up talking about is helping him with ongoing admin tasks, tech issues, bank and finance matters, future planning, and work.
We had some food, watched a short tv show, and listened as much as I could.
I am trying to get him the help he needs but I know I need to do better as well...