nowhere and everywhere to go
sorry self
coming to terms with how broken i am
means that you will continue to remain abandoned
i see the richness of others' lives
every life seems more whole than mine
i cannot accept
that there is so much i do not know
there are many essences of life
i fear i do not have the capability
to experience
or hold
or pursue
or be fearless of the suffering
and loss
that connection and experience
come with
why am i so scared of myself
my image
shattering
a road towards healing
seems like a mountain
the second arrow of suffering
is deep in my heart
and i think i am pulling it out of myself
but in truth
i lodge it deeper
a helpless animal
stuck in the cycle of grief and pain
who cannot accept that being broken
can sometimes be permanent
and when i taste another's consciousness
i see the chasm
between myself and normality
this reminds me of this line from 'no longer human'
"i lived so carefully, thinking someone was watching.
but the stage was empty, the audience never came."
i feel so lost
i wish i could scan my brain right now
and confirm that everything that lights up
could show me proof that i am myself
and that it is my responsibility to escape this
and yet i look
at the lives of others
and i see so much hapiness and authencity
and lament
cry
anguish
that i am not that person
filled with hope and positivity
but filled with a strange ego
that is walking along this world
as a burden and as a passer-by
i will never be able to walk in that same world
i will not receieve the gifts people like this receive
a hug from strangers
people looking at you with admiration
feeling connected to you and knowing they can be safe with you
someone pouring themselves to you
unconditionally
it feels like a curse
a punishment
one day
i hope
i can feel
what ting-ting feels
in yi yi:
"why is the world so different from what we thought it was?
now that you're awake and see it again...
has it changed at all?
now i've closed my eyes...
the world i see...
is so beautiful."
the world feels so foreign now
i feel like a ghost
reborn
but with nowhere and everywhere to go