moshing, driving, crying, dancing, singing
It's that part of time in my life where I feel very lost. I recently lost a relationship, came to terms with some realities about my sense of self and brokenness, and just feel so uncertain about myself and the future. I have so much I need to figure out and work on. It has been very overwhelming for me in the last few weeks.
This also happened to me in 2023, at the back of my first ever relationship breakup. That led to a lot of changes in my life and I am a different person today because of that.
I also remember the way I started processing it is by throwing myself into live music. Last time it was all mostly by myself. But this year it is with others around me. I still feel deeply troubled inside, but feel moved that there is something I always return to. And this time, it's with other people around me.
deafheaven night one (sydney)
I lost myself in the pit this night. I remember just surrendering to the controlled chaos. I think at some points I wanted to doze off. That might have been due to the fact that I was running on four hours of sleep. But nonetheless, I felt so myself in this pit. I fell down once and was promptly picked up by others. I think I hurt my hip and knees but it's ok. I hit my lip on someones head but it was ok. I was out of breath but it was ok. I was not performing as anything for a slight blip in time. I was merely crashing with everyone else. That's all ok.
I felt really happy to connect so many people together. I made a new friend, F who hung out with us after the gig. I remember my hands were shaking as I tried to enter my IG account name into F's phone just from the sheer amount of adrenaline I had in me I suppose.
I saw many old friends. I hugged C like old mates do. There is no better joy than moshing with your mates <33.
I sent a voice note to A as soon as I got home about how nice it felt to use A's kind acts I had seen in Dark Mofo and spread that at the gig I went to tonight. Euphoria still present in my mind. Not sleeping well at all. Fighting the urge to not go through the despair-filled, familiar thought forest. A few more moments outside reality, please?
deafheaven night two (newcastle)
My entire body was very sore. Especially my neck. I could feel my hips hurting and my left knee having some small pains. I had some ibuprofen to ease the pain. I was still smiling though. I did not get the sleep I needed.
I wrote a poem about the experience yesterday here as soon as I had properly woken up. This gave my day some purpose.
I counted down to 3.30pm, which is the time I would be driving to Newcastle with 3 other gig friends (who were also at the Sydney show the night before).
The roadtrip was very wholesome. Some music geeks in a car talking about life. Life felt good and simple.
We finally arrived (safely) at Newcastle, at Hamilton Station Hotel. Still amazed that we will be able to see Deafheaven in a room meant for only 300-400 souls.
The gig was mental. No barriers. This time I stood to the side and felt everything without motion. The pain in my neck disappeared in short moments as I swayed it up and down.
We made it back home at around 2.30am after a 2 hour drive back to Sydney. Absolutely worth all the pain.
Unrelated to the Newcastle tour, but to conclude on how it felt to see Deafheaven, this video taken by Liam Stewart of George and the audience summarises it very well:
king street crawl (night three)
Guess what, still not enough sleep. My body decided to wake up very early, I think I had a nightmare. I had broken sleep until I got up at around 9am. I was determined to still go to the King St Crawl (a local music multi venue free music festival that takes over sooo many venues in Newtown with hundreds of local and Australian musicians). There were many friends going, it was a friend's birthday too, and there would be space to feel like a part of something bigger again. I would be recording one song from each set and share it later as a way to document these wonderful musicians.
I made this card for my friend:
I listened Jack R Reilly finally. I was very moved and felt so grounded.
I had lunch with with a friend I met there.
I went to a park afterwards and journalled. I was finally able to cry.
I saw a band playing in the middle of the street.
I made my way to the Marlborough Hotel where I would be staying until 11pm RIP.
I saw three medieval knights sing about love and heartbreak with a boogie (Thee Long Knights).
I saw Sevilles and took in the heavy and soft fuzz.
I saw Fear of Horses. I started to accept the goodbye I needed to process for H. Tears started flowing. The grief, regret, and playing back of all the things I could have done differently. I let myself feel it all. This is an important moment for me in my journey to grieve and move on.
Dinner time. We had dumplings.
Made it back to see NPCEDE and the abrasiveness was fucking sick. Intense.
Fungas was fun and dancy punky.
Then we grabbed some ice cream at Mapo. I had the dark cocoa ice cream. Lots of banter was made. We had some time to kill but we headed back a bit early.
We are getting closer to 11pm, when our beloved Mouseatouille would play. Still some time to go.
I and I go down to the dungeon and dance a bit to some strange EDM. It was fun. We make it up just before the band starts. I helps me get to the front - he's an absolute angel.
And there I am, surrounded by I and V. Every thing feels so comforting and soft. Things feel like they will be ok. Being this present is nice. We sing along to many of the songs. I'm trying to beam by sadness away.
The night ends. I and I walk back. I feel alone again. Time to sit with all my feelings. I'll remind my new self of this moment a few years later...