missed the starting gun
i've been seeing a clinical psychologist for the last 4 months
they recommend i feel my feelings
locate them in my body
think of what i am happy about myself each day
self regulate my nervous system by doing x, y, and z
the current way of existing is via over-extending, performing, appeasing, disappearing
it will take years before i am even able to think and feel differently
a feeling where i am somewhat happy about myself
believing that i have any value at all
having a foreign voice in my head that supports me
i don't think i have that many years in me if i'm honest
this is exhausting
our ecosphere is nearly dead
you're telling me that i can be more regulated and emotionally healthier and secure in a few years?
but by then the earth will be too warm to live comfortably in
so many of us will be experiencing ecological grief
there are extinctions coming
our relationship with the land is about to change forever
we have what, a good 5 years?
and i'm working on my attachment issues? fuck off
as pink floyd so expertly said
there was a time to this figured out
to bear the fruits of self work
but
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun
i am trying so hard
existence does not come easily for me
i don't feel it because i don't really have a body or soul
i just wander
i sometimes irrationally get angry at those that seem to just glide through life
i know they have their troubles too
but all it takes
is being on a bus by myself
back from a gig
where the outset of reality is creeping in
the sadness spreads to every atom of my being
and hearing two friends behind me in their 20s talk about a tv show
the conversation flowing so naturally
a natural back and forth on family, friends, weekend plans
one of them is going swimming on saturday and then spending a day with their dad for father's day
the other is going to a friend's birthday party
and then recovering the next day
they seem like such effective humans
emotionally intelligent, asking about each other, seeking connection, being secure in their own versions,
one of them is a lawyer and is confident
that must be nice
i make sure i am happy for you internally
because the world does not need any more hate or negativity right now
i am not depressed for legal reasons btw
i regularly exercise
i go to therapy
i have many hobbies and passions
i spend time in nature
i have many friends
i have family
i have a career
i make art
i have a home
i connect with people where i can
i give back where i can
i organise events
lol what else is left for an antitode to sadness provided by the literature?
shrooms? yeah i've had those too
i don't think i will ever resolve my sadness
i just can't be enough
because nothing i do
including living
feels real most of the time
and i can't stop seeing what i miss and cannot experience as a human
and whether i even really understand
or provide genuine support and positivity to my family and friends
everything i do feels fake
distractions above are running out
heavy music is wearing off
the quest for catharsis is drying up
no one is coming to fix me
i am not good at do-it-yourself
ps: i think i will be ok; i have lived with sadness for all my life and don't think i am stopping any time soon