losing leo
i lost you today, leo.
and just like that, you no longer breathe.
i'm looking back at your blog,
your youtube channel,
our messages together,
our photos together,
thinking back at the crazy adventures we took together.
i notice us both in a photo on your blog
when we started our birdwatching club.
i remember the time we drove to the beach at night on a work day and just talked about the pointlessness of life
as someone tried to detect metals in the and in front of us.
i remember taking you to random gigs, you obliging.
i remember the time we saw a movie together at a bar
and we joked that others around us probably think we're a couple.
I think we saw la la land, your favourite movie.
you were so passionate, so smart, such a person of action.
you were so good at understanding people, getting to their core.
you let us peer into your soul, nothing held back.
i remember feeling like i could say anything to you and i did.
you listened and we bonded over our intense sadness of the past,
the type of sadness that becomes our shadows for life,
where we always turn back to see if it's getting too close to us.
but deep inside, i know the chasm of sadness you were in was insurmountable to what i could even imagine.
your sadness was not following you, but swallowing you.
i was so happy when you found someone.
i could see you smile and be excited for life.
it's not easy for you to feel this way with your severe ocd.
we talked less afterwards,
and i took that as a good sign that you were moving on with your life.
you were enjoying your new job too.
i was so proud of you.
but over time, you deteriorated.
you shut me off.
i could not get through to you at all.
you shut everyone off.
i have run out of words right now as I miss you that much.
goodbye friend, you meant so much to me.
i wish you hadn't done this,
but I also know how much you were suffering all your life.
i ache that I will never see your smile and soul again.
i'll fucking miss you, leo.