lobotomising love
i open up to love
it's what being human is about right?
paying the price for it grief
i know people who keep reaching out for love
are courageous
and strong
hopeful
a little mad
despite the destruction\
i think i've decided to be a coward
i've opened up to romantic love two times
nearly not enough
for a lifetime
but enough to shut it off again
for a few years
i cannot be loved
i cannot love
it's simpler this way\
i try to convince myself
that the pain is worth it
they say
it's just a matter of learning the way to love
trying to love more so you get better
learn lessons
find the right person at the right time
learn to gather courage to be vulnerable
or be open to connection
work consistently on it
show up
communicate
i've tried it all
it's easier to give up
i honestly don't know how others do it
please give a pill
that kills my desire to be loved
it's a curse\
goodbye holding hands
goodbye embraces
goodbye kisses
goodbye intimacy
goodbye touch
goodbye consoling
goodbye holding
goodbye to it all
goodbye love\
it's easier this way
there's a comfort knowing
from experience
that giving it up is so easy
especially as i get older
no one approaches me
there are no interested glances
i'm just a periphery to everyone's vision
it's ok to be invisible
there's a power to it
i've used it in the past
it leads to an amassing of lived experience
but no one to share it with
and that's fine
if love should enter again
let it be the final time
or let it be my own love only
until then, i will sit on the sidelines
and begin the procedure
to surgically remove all wants and desires
which requires precision
and lobotomisation
but that is the price
for both the want of love
and the removal of it