i don't want to do everything alone anymore
It suddenly occurred to me today that it's actually pretty strange to strive to do most things by myself in an overly independent way. I have this romantic idea about solitude and independence. That it's this perfect state of being where I can be my true self and thrive. A thought that I am not quite a whole enough person to deserve being around others. An easy way to not feel like a burden to anyone or feel like I will let anyone down. A kind of shame and embarrassment that I treat with self-punishment. That I don't need people and groups to do cool and day-to-day things and I incorrectly feel so chuffed with myself for that. Or the thought that I can find everything I need within myself, or through research, failure, copying others, experimentation, or a long dead reddit thread.
I feel like I have missed the entire point of being comfortable alone or being able to do things by myself. Every moment where I have felt accomplished, content, or genuinely grown is when I have been around other people. Being able to be alone is just a part of existence - not an identity.
I remember I only went to two gig venues in one night (my first time doing this, thanks C) because I was with others who all pushed each other on. As a result, I got to see Freight just before they disbanded.
I remember I did my first big longest run in one day because I trained with a group of friends all training for the marathon for weeks together and pushing each other forward.
I remember I only went out camping for the first time in my life because of other friends who encouraged me and supported me in putting up my first ever tent.
I remember my favourite memories of taking photographs was when I was with others. We both moved around the room and created our art and wrote some words on it too. Or when I shared notes about a gig with S and that was the basis of my first ever gig journal
Fuck striving for this type of independence. It's a good life skill to have, but I want to do everything with everyone now. Even if it feels harder and uncomfortable. Don't let me ever fall into that trap again, that being alone and doing all things independently is what "competent" people do. That's just late stage capitalism propaganda.