an ode to grief-walkers
it's spreading
it started in june
i thought i was immune at last
as i had seen so many of my friends go through it this year
i thought i had perfected a way to exist
in a way
that detached my soul
from the possibility of feeling
good and bad
but disassociation, detachment, disregard for oneself
catch up to existence
it's spreading
i think that's what depression is
a schism between the the realised and the unrealised
the soul trying to jump between the two
it spreads
until every action
is a representation of this gap
i'm sitting in a cinema
about to watch 2001: a space odyssey for the first time
i am with friends
i'm making them all laugh
also asking about how they are all doing
learning about their lives
i see other cinemagoers
i see their smiles
their friend groups
smiling couples
younger people
so much life ahead of them
grief finds itself in any small way
just seeing two people smiling and enjoying themselves
reminds me of what i will never be
because i picture them perfectly
wholly realised
wholly good and better than me
who have done the work to deserve this gift of life
guilt sets in
isolation feels divine
even more so when done in company
i'm doing everything i'm supposed to
i'm participating in art
i'm being in nature
embracing trees
i'm being creative
i wrote a happy poem on a hike
but that was just for show
i'm seeing friends and family
i'm running and exercising
i ran the fastest 5km in my entire life today
i achieved my goal
i feel something like pride and joy for a few moments
something deep in me wants to stop feeling this
i make the feeling pass
while i secretly wait
for someone to say some nice words to me on strava
yet naturally i want to isolate
and create a future of bleakness
latch onto everything that is wrong with me and the world
and take that on my shoulders
bleakness feels so much better
shame and self-pity sets in
i wish i could just start to feel all this properly
even if it meant i cried for a year straight
stuck in my bed
but this metamorphosis
would be so welcome
if it meant i was whole again
here i say
to all my grief-walkers
this is my ode to us all
to us that carry on going
even when the soul is refusing to
our souls will move through the in-between
and we will be whole again
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